Medea Gets Fleeced

Dear Medea,

First, thank you for the sheep—I wouldn’t be where I am today without them. However, you betrayed your father and brother so I might have them, and, well, having forsaken them, you sort of screwed me out of your dowry. Also, how can I have faith in your loyalty? What if Odysseus sailed past and you fell in love with him, betraying me? I don’t have room for that kind of doubt in my life.

What I do have room for is moving to the head of the line to the crown of Corinth, or I will be as soon as Kreon’s daughter and I are hitched. Yes! I’m to marry another princess! All I need from you is a quick divorce. I was thinking one of us could take a quick chariot hop down to the Dominican Republic, say today or tomorrow, so I may hasten to my place in the palace. By the way, when you send the kids for visitation, don’t neglect to send their nurse with them. Kreon’s daughter (I forget her name) doesn’t care for children, so how about letting me get settled first. I’ll soften her up, and she’ll come around.

If you’d like to send a gift, we’re registered at Hera’s Homegoods. We’d rather not have you in attendance at the royal wedding, disgraced exile and all that can make the toasts awkward. Love to the kids, send Hermes to the castle when you return from your voyage.

Love alwaysish,

P.S. The Argonauts send their love!