AROUSAL
Arousal
I woke up today aroused sexually as I stood out of bed pushing down my erection. Visualizing past sexual experiences involuntarily, unbalanced, standing, wiping the crust from my eyes, stumbling slow to the bathroom opposite of my bedroom, I began to feel anger as I became aware of the pulsating ache in my penis I often feel in the morning — it usually goes away upon a splash of water on my face, a look in the mirror and urination. The skin on my penis was tight and dry, accompanied by unusual pressure and stiffness. Tension and stress began to arise, because I had to think about whether to masturbate or not. I had a choice to make — ejaculate and give this semen energy away meaninglessly, or keep my seminal fluid inside. As I’ve aged I’ve built a tolerance for the hormonal spikes and love the tension of keeping my semen, but today I’m weak. I want to feel the immense pleasure of sex, I want to feel the overwhelming sensation of ejaculation. Standing over the toilet pissing, anxiety filled with sexual energy led me to a deeper thought…“I want a female.” I’m hungry for closeness with a woman and have become involuntarily celibate. It’s been two years since I’ve had physical contact with a female, the last time I was able to insert myself inside of a woman. I know why, but it doesn’t stop the growling of my stomach, thinking about the emptiness of how good it feels to be with a female that wants you, wants to touch you, hug you, cuddle, kiss and, most of all, sex. I couldn’t help but be mad — why do these thoughts of woman and sex dominate my mind so much. I can’t help it today. I want to go back to a day when I was disciplined and not distracted with these thoughts, or at least fight them out of my mind. On top of that, the huge pressure of being a man is hard enough, let alone dating. I hate that I want a female mate for companionship, erogenous satisfaction, and emotional security. I remember in the old days they say “love don’t cost a thing” — well, in today’s society you have to pay for love. Everything that is good about love and relationships feels like it’s bad. Money and resources are the new currency for sex, not attractiveness or character. Slowly walking back to my room I had another thought — I’m going to get a substantial sum of money because I’m tired of being aroused with no woman to express with. Instead I will use this energy to change my life, to add substance to my life. Keep your semen and become, release to become none. Today is what I was thinking… sometimes a good trouble, others destructive — just another irrefutable, biological need to be fulfilled, but no — I will retain my seed in avoidance of emasculation, the power emotion.
Comments (6)
Nicely-penned!
Well-wrought! Some memories haunt, some fade, and some fly away!
"Wind's breath pulls memories' white feathers" Oh wow, I loved that line so much!
This was beautiful, full of wonderful imagery. This was my favorite line: Wind's breath pulls memories' white feathers
Deep thoughts made to feel light and "feathery"
So beautiful and inspirational, Michelle!