Warm hate

I'm happy most of the day,
It's one game I always play,
Waking up, being thankful,
Writing why I am grateful.

I always try to do my best,
Without too much time to rest,
Life sometimes feels like a test,
I'm trying not to feel pressed.

I always try to feel blessed,
Trying always to be best,
But there's a pain in my chest
That I don't wanna address.

I have moments when I smile,
Then I remember bad times,
And after so many tries,
I still get angry for a while.

Even in the best of times,
There is something in my mind
That doesn't want to forget,
That doesn't want to be kind.

That doesn't want to find
Something good in today,
That by anger is blind,
And it gets bigger every day.

Even in happy times,
There's something in my heart,
And I know it's not smart,
But I want to let it climb.

Let it climb up from my heart,
Let the pain go up north,
Directly in my mouth,
And let it say its sweet part.

Not a long time ago,
Before I had to go,
I told a friend
I envied her sadness,
Because she can act on her distress,
And at some point it will start to end.

But my hate will not go away,
Not without falling to revenge,
Not without starting to avenge,
And that is not the moral way.

I let it stay in me so long,
Knowing that to act was just wrong,
Thinking I can keep it in check,
Thinking I'm not the one to break.

But it grew bigger and bigger,
Grew up to be so much stronger,
Grew bigger than expected,
Grew too big to be corrected.

My hate now keeps my heart warm,
Gets me out of any storm,
Keeps my body from trembling,
Keeps my stupid voice from shaking,
My hate makes me so much stronger,
My hate gives me so much power.

When I'm happy I want to forget,
But in the bad times I say not yet,
In those times my hate makes me so strong
That I start to forget it is wrong.

Life tells us we shouldn't care,
That our hate is not fair,
Tells us to forgive,
Tells us just to leave.

Life doesn't tell us
Hate will not go away,
It always is on plus,
And it will have its way.

But revenge is not the way,
I know hate'll not go away,
So I will just live with it,
While it's growing bit by bit.