The Soup of Life

What makes me, me? Who, or what, am I? Who are you? If you were to lose your hair because of cancer treatment would that change who "you" are? Are you your leg, your hearing or your looks? Are you your career, your reputation, or your past? Are you your brain, and if so, what part?

Please, sit down for a bowl of soup with me as I share my thoughts.

Perhaps it is unfair to even ask such a question, because there is no solid answer. There are diseases such as Huntington's Disease that can take the most upstanding and responsible person and cause them to suddenly become impulsive, take risks they'd never take before, and in the end become completely unable to care for themselves.

Take a person who has had the same profession for twenty years and a situation arises that makes that person unable to ever perform that work again; does this take away the root of who the person is? It surely will have a major impact on them depending on whatever happened, but does that make different person?

A person is an accumulation of their past hopes, dreams, accomplishments, failures, gains and losses. I am the pain I have when I walk. I am the one that offends some people without understanding how or why. I am the father that was woken up to be told his son committed suicide. I am the person who has been involved with saving others. I am the person that stepped up a few times when I was needed most, and I am the one that had to accept help in my lowest moments.

Who am I? What am I? Am I the person who has a difficult time pulling myself out of my bed? No that's not possible because when my medication is adjusted, I can do that without much trouble. Am I the person who sometimes breaks down while driving down the road because I didn't recognize I have been trapped in my own thoughts for the past five miles?

Am I the person who tried to learn every step, process, and medication that was involved during my wife's cancer treatment or am I the person that has to have my wife with me at my doctors' appointments because nothing seems to absorb into my brain like it did before?

Am I the person I see, or the person my wife sees me as? Am I my frustration, anger, and depression or am I the kind, funny, person who's "been through a lot" as she would say? Am I the person people remember, or the person people speak of?

These questions have preyed upon my mind for quite a long time, and this is where I am at.

We are all our own individual soups that are everchanging. Circumstances of life are the ingredients, and the spices are controlled by the many chefs that walk in and out of our lives throughout the years. Life may throw a few unexpected ingredients our way and it is the people we are near that adjust the flavor. Some may dump too much salt, and some people may water it down.

I think it is important to understand that when you are sick, you can't always tend to the soup. There are times you must listen to others and let them man the stove. That may come in the form of throwing away the bottle when your wife says you are drinking too much. When we aren't mentally sound, we must be thankful for those who care how the soup turns out.

Who I was yesterday isn't who I am today. Who I will be tomorrow is uncertain. What I must commit to is honesty with myself, trying the best I can, standing up to stir my own soup and knowing when to sit down. I must realize that everything changes. Good and bad, everything changes. I will gain more people in my life I love, and I will lose some that will be very painful. I must understand that just because I hate myself today, that does not mean I can't love myself tomorrow. I must love who I can love today, because tomorrow I may not have them to love. I must give myself a little slack here and there and allow for my mistakes but also learn from them.

I hope that in my time I can help prevent some of the experiences life handed me, teach others how to get through them if they do happen, and be a good chef to the soups that I come in contact with. If you have made it to the end of this story, I hope you enjoyed a little taste of my soup and the spices I have chosen to add to yours.