recovery
Your illness does not define you. It's your resolve to recover that does.
The Journey of a Lifetime
A few months ago, I came home from a long day and found out that my landlady had decided to kick us out. We were given 30 days notice, not nearly enough time to still work and keep my household afloat, especially working 3 jobs, doing my best to stay on top of my schoolwork at night and still take care of my kids. I have noticed a pattern in the past couple months. Being a survivor of domestic violence and abuse still feels like a struggle at times. Losing one of my jobs recently and immediately having had to replace it to not lose the income, and losing my house at the same time, seems to have pushed me to a mental point where I honestly cannot handle even talking to anyone about it. I hear the same thing from everyone when I try to explain how it makes me feel, the fact that my abusive ex-husband always had a job and house over our heads, and somehow no matter how hard I work right now, I feel like I am failing at even this task for my kids. They do not understand why we cannot go "home", as it is not our home anymore. No one talks about the lingering effects of surviving. No one warns you of the mental battles you will fight, or how in some moments when everything keeps piling up, you will compare yourself to the person who abused you. "How do they manage to do the simplest of these tasks in life, while at the same time leading a double life?" "How can they do these tasks, yet it seems like we can't?" The pain is real. The memories that it brings forth make it feel like it is happening all over again. Tonight when I came home, I had to come outside so my kids do not see me cry and falling apart. I want to be strong for them, and I am trying so hard. Yet, it feels like I am carrying such a heavy burden and now its plowing me down into the ground, and I lack the strength to get up, let alone move. No one warns you of the days when things will physically feel too hard to do and get done, or that it will feel like you are trudging through mud. No one speaks of the emotions that even the smallest things will trigger or even what to do when it happens. For me, I have struggled all my life with this. My go-to is to always shut people out and not talk about it- but instead to just ignore it and pretend it never happened in the first place, or to drink away my emotions about the pain and to try my best to numb out that pain. The past month has physically put me through a lot. Due to physical health concerns, I will no longer be able to consume any alcohol in my lifetime. Mentally, this has been an adjustment and a wake-up call. I do not have the opportunity to numb out the pain or escape from the memories. I have no choice now but to deal with it and accept what has happened. To work on the trauma is truly daunting and physically hurts. I know I need to be strong for myself, for my children, for my family, and for my friends. I feel I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and the stress is eating away at me. In this world of painful memories, I feel trapped and unable to escape. In truth, I know this is temporary and I will heal from it. But I am impatient to get to the finish line. I am tired of the stress and the pain and the flashbacks. More than anything, I am tired of feeling alone on this journey.I feel unsure that I will ever conquer this monster who plagues my dreams and haunts my memories on a daily basis. In the past, I have written articles for my movement I AM ME. Tonight I feel vulnerable, scared, and incredibly alone. Tonight, this is me. No matter my emotions, I am still ME.
By marion scott5 years ago in Psyche
Facing My Demons
Learning to manage my addiction, bipolar disorder, P.T.S.D., and fifteen years of incarceration has been an incredibly arduous process that nearly cost me my life, but in the end it has brought me the qualities of resilience, empathy, and an overwhelming desire to help others. Spending nearly fifteen years in the Arizona Department of Corrections was traumatic, demoralizing, and incredibly difficult. I was a 35- year-old gay man who had already experienced a great deal of abuse, trauma, and grief when I first went to prison for committing note-passing bank robberies to support my addiction.
By Dustin Harwell5 years ago in Psyche
An Alcoholics Story
“You only live once”, “Make the most of everyday”, “Live each day like it’s your last.” I would hear these statements all to often, and they were always from people who were in a good place in their lives. Fair play, these people always wanted to share that life was worth living, but they could have given me a million pounds, a mansion and all the trimmings, it would not have made me any happier.
By Neil Curran5 years ago in Psyche
Addiction Recovery
“You only live once”, “Make the most of everyday”, “Live each day like it’s your last.” I would hear these statements all to often, and they were always from people who were in a good place in their lives. Fair play, these people always wanted to share that life was worth living, but they could have given me a million pounds, a mansion and all the trimmings, it would not have made me any happier.
By Neil Curran5 years ago in Psyche
The Other Side of Suicide
When I eventually snapped out of it, I discovered to my astonishment that life actually got much better. Because, hey, if death was on the table, then so was taking an impromptu trip to Vegas and blowing $800 on a necklace. (I only did that once, and honestly, zero regrets. It's one of my favorite things and I wear it all the time.) My eyes were opened to the many, many paths of escalation available to me before reaching the nuclear option.
By Rachel Lee5 years ago in Psyche
A List of Common Gaslighting Phrases to Look Out For
Gaslighting is a form of emotional-abuse that is used to make the target question their reality. While gaslighting can be used unintentionally by unhealthy adults, it is most often used on purpose as a tool of emotional-control. People who gaslight to gain control of others are committing emotional abuse, and are likely using other forms of manipulation to control the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of others, such as smear-campaigns, the silent-treatment, and passive aggressive behaviour.
By Rachel M.J5 years ago in Psyche
Healing From Within
This is my story, and no one else's. Whether I made the right choices or wrong ones, they were my choices. They made me who I am, and have taught me many valuable lessons. This is only one version of me. I still have many others. This is only one glimpse, once small, yet large part of what made me into the cynical, sarcastic, guarded person I am.
By Ang Williams5 years ago in Psyche
Understanding Trauma
Our first article explored the (3) different types of trauma, today let's take a look at some of the symptoms that can accompany each of these. While many of them are the same, the difference is that in the latter 2, the sufferer may have more severe long-term effects as a result of longer-term trauma.
By Rebecca Brooks5 years ago in Psyche
This Moment
Always, never and always. That is what I keep remembering my old self saying all the time. ALWAYS this, or NEVER that. If I could find a way to eliminate these concepts from the cycle I could jump the Horizontal scales and redirect these hiccups far far far from here. There is certainly comfort here, comfort in the unknown. The fear is so tangible and unwelcome in the same moment I see it all the same. Lose my voice, fall short of the grandour I imagine all too well to be real until I convince myself otherwise. These inner demons, bla bla bla. That opposing baffle set up to persuade you out of being your true self. Imagine having a complete internal dialogue all day long streaming non stop and being authenticated by the visual world, the only hinderance is the belief behind the power we all face within ourselves. How deep has this governing voice been implanted within the pathways of our subconscious, showing up like pop up ads right before the big leap of faith into the room with no ceiling. Dream dismantlers, usually pertaining to an old model, a version of the self that no longer operates, yet, someone, something somewhere, still processes it and offers it up as an alternative, a long forgotten dream, memory, still wondering if you are thinking of them. It is moments like these that send me off into the wise stares of the old, thru time, seeming to stop. That is when I realize, ALWAYS remember to breath, ok this is vertical, breathing, always breath, though being underwater with out a snorkel or scuba gear could become challenging. Never forget this.
By Agador Sparticus5 years ago in Psyche
